Photos: Martin Kosseson.
Makeup: Makeup By Becky.
Campaign: BonBon Lingerie.
In his 1966 hit song, James Brown sings ‘‘It’s a Man’s Man’s World’’. It is the summer of 2022, and we are left to ask ourselves if these words still hold true. Women’s self-love teacher and yoni massage therapist Laura Valk believes that every person designs the lyrics of their life themselves, and that the joys and pleasures of being a woman are our exclusive birthright. Today, she shares with you, dear reader, the secret of taking control of your life and sexuality, and how to reach pleasures never seen before.
What prevents women from experiencing pleasure?
,,When talking about being a woman and sexuality, for me, the biggest lesson that initiated a lot of healing processes was the realisation that I do not owe men anything in this world. Namely, as women, we have been made to believe that we don’t hold any value and as soon as we undress and a man gets aroused, it’s our job to provide him with pleasurable satisfaction. In other words, a woman's existence is explained a lot through the lens of how useful you can be for a man. I too tried hard to be a really cool and super sexy woman in the hopes that my man would never cheat on me. This was the belief of a very young adult, which I obviously don't subscribe to today, but at that moment I sincerely believed that if I was super wild, sexy and satisfied my partner all the time, going on various sex courses and knowing all kinds of tricks, then the relationship would work and he wouldn’t leave me.
Today, sexuality starts from a totally different place for me. It starts with talking, connecting on a soul level, and if you think about various practices, it really starts with relaxation and coming into the body. Because in reality, good sex doesn’t come from the place of ‘I want to satisfy someone’, but rather from the aspect of coming together and creating joint pleasures together. Based on my clients and Instagram questions I get, I can see that a lot of women are at the same place old Laura was. I get so many questions in the style of: ,,I don't have sex with him enough and he mocks me for it, what should I do?’’ Men often justify their actions with ‘‘but you don’t give enough.’’ Even though you might have two young kids at home and all the other logical reasons. But of course, the woman always gets the blame. But sex, pleasure, and passion is not something you can give. When talking about giving and taking sex, it feels like we’ve ended up at a market, but it’s certainly not a product so it doesn’t belong there.’’
Laura is feeling confident in Bite Me's Lingerie Set.
Inconsistencies between couples and losing contact with ones sexuality has birthed a colourful sex industry, that has grown into an immense business. ,,From the attitude that women have to be sexy and satisfy men, who are freed from all ‘obligations’ to pleasure women, vibrators were born. Therefore, today, most women don’t orgasm with men, either because men don’t last, women fake their orgasms, or the average Estonian man is probably not even particularly interested in a woman’s needs anyway. That’s when those hundreds of vibrator and sex toy brands pop up and through a thick layer of feminist movement preach that you too deserve pleasure after having sex with your man, so buy this 200€ vibrator - take care of yourself and get orgasms now!’’
,,The biggest lesson that initiated a lot of healing processes was the realisation that I do not owe men anything in this world.’’
Laura is also wearing exclusive Bite Me's Body Harness.
However, according to Laura, having an orgasm with the help of a vibrator isn’t even comparable to all the bodily pleasures that we as women are actually capable of. ,,In my experience, masturbation with a vibrator is like boom! - you do it quickly under the covers and that’s it. It’s not a ritual and doesn’t really give anything, because even in terms of orgasms, it’s like a frantic orgasm. Yes, we have an orgasm but the energy and true pleasure don’t have enough time to blossom in the body. This is due to vibrators being unnaturally strong. I know there are sex shop owners who claim that vibrators don’t have an effect on a woman’s sensitivity. But then why do all the big manufacturers advertise their next product as a 20% stronger stimulator? Why is this necessary if the sensitivity hasn’t dropped? When I have tried vibrators, even if I chose a more ‘delicate’ toy, already holding it against my hand was unpleasant, not to mention the clitoris, which has thousands of nerve endings. In reality, we have everything we need for high quality pleasures. We have hands, as well as a tongue and mouth when with a partner. I’m not saying you can’t use a vibrator - you can, but it shouldn’t be the only way to experience pleasure. It’s just the aspect that women want to be really tough with their schedules full, and then all they have time to do is take that small ‘drill’ out, get the job done quickly, and continue conquering the world of men. Whereas, in reality, a woman’s body needs time to warm up and open, which is very difficult to achieve with overstimulation. Orgasm comes, lasts maybe a few seconds, and that’s it. By taking time and, on the contrary, extending the pleasure and postponing the classic peak orgasm (same applies to men as well), orgasms extend to several minutes of pleasure waves and symphonies that can be felt in your ears and ends of the hair.’’
Another ‘highway’ to pleasures that lures couples in is called an open relationship. ,,It is very popular not to commit anymore. As soon as things get hard, the mentality that - ah, we’re polygamous now - arises. Because being polygamous seems easier somehow. Yet, based on my acquaintances, clients, and other sex therapists, I don’t know a single polygamous relationship that makes both parties happy. But I also agree that if we're talking about relationships in general, not only the sexual aspects of it, then the ultimate goal, or monogamy, has to be achieved through freedom, thus, possible polygamy. Which means that both parties have to have a total freedom of choice. When I wake up in the morning, I feel that I love this person and want to be with him. Yes, I could go to a restaurant in the evening and meet a new man, but I choose not to, even if I have the freedom to do so.’’
Laura is glowing in Coco Heart's body.
Coco Heart collection is on sale from 27.09 on E-store and and also in BonBon Lingerie's representative store.
How to get in contact with your sexuality and improve the quality of sex?
In order to improve the quality of your relationship and sex, it is important to get to know yourself first. ,,I ask women in yoni massage: ‘Where does it feel good to touch?’, and in response they shake their heads and say they don’t know. But men can’t figure out either what ‘do something’ is supposed to mean. Every time we enter a new relationship, the learning process starts from the beginning. All bodies are different and some women need only two minutes to have an orgasm, others need two hours. There is no right or wrong here, and you should never feel ashamed of your body. If water takes 15 minutes to boil but oil on the pan takes only 1 minute, then the water doesn’t have to apologise simply because its structure and needs are different. You just need to be with a partner that has the same goals and interests, and not only in the department of bank loans and children. A lot of women are struggling with the fact that their men want more sex than they do, but my first question is, does sex in this context give you anything? Normally, the answer is not really. So then, this game of pretend as a woman full of sex appeal becomes tiring at one point, head starts to ache, chores around the house need doing, and sex becomes an obligation. When women don't want to have sex, to me it reflects that they just aren't having very good sex with their man. If a woman has experienced true pleasure then she would want it more than washing floors or watching Netflix. We always find time for pleasant things.’’
,,Sex, pleasure, and passion is not something you can give. When talking about giving and taking sex, it feels like we’ve ended up at a market, but it’s certainly not a product so it doesn’t belong there.’’
Laura is wearing playful Long-Sleeve Bite Me's Bodysuit.
But there is no point in blaming yourself if you don’t have the energy for sex at the moment. Ideally, yes, it would be a good idea to find it for the sake of your health but if you truly don’t have it then that’s that. Women raise children and work hard all day while being constantly told ‘you have to be more feminine, you have to be sexier, and you have to want to have sex!’ If I feel like not having sex today, I am not going to have sex and I won’t care what anyone says. Sexuality is a great thing but there is more to life. And if I’m not feeling it today, it is my responsibility to communicate that to my partner. Because if my body says no, the answer is no. This doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me, but if the matter lasts for a long time, then it would be necessary to start dealing with the issue. I don't know any woman who is happy not wanting to have sex. For women who haven’t had sex for a while and only relied on vibrators, I recommend thinking about Yoni massage because all the energy between their hips is not moving. And sexual energy is life energy and creativity. Which is why those people who start to experience these pleasures also start painting, dancing or singing. They become alive! It is all connected, sexuality is not a separate element, but the enjoyment of life as a whole. You can enjoy everything, not just sex - good coffee, a glass of wine, delicious food, music. And if I'm not enjoying one part of my life, then I'm not really enjoying any of it.’’
However, in order to get in contact with your body and understand what you enjoy in life and bed, you need to value yourself first. ,,If I feel like I don’t deserve love, pleasure, my partner’s time or attention then I also feel guilty if my partner focuses longer on me during foreplay by massaging or somehow having to ‘separately’ prepare me. The inferiority makes me feel ashamed that I am not ready yet or feeling good, which leads to sex that hurts the body. However, if as a woman, I constantly push the boundaries of my body and earn love through my sexual sacrifices, a lot of anger begins to arise subconsciously. This anger indicates that we are not treated well and are experiencing unfairness. What unaware men do is that they masturbate with the help of a woman, trying to relieve their anxiety. If you think about it long enough, it is very unpleasant but unfortunately happens in the majority of Estonian homes. And when a woman’s anger builds, she will soon not be able to stand the man's slightest touch. This is my exact memory of a time when I had sex out of obligation and against my body's will. Eventually, the relationship got so bad that no therapy in the world could help. Nevertheless, I can’t place all of the blame on the man, a huge part of that is mine to carry as well. Why? Because I allowed this situation to go on for so long. It is so easy to accuse men of not caring about us, when in reality, we don’t care about ourselves. If we don’t protect and stand up for ourselves, then everyone will treat us as they see fit. If I, as a woman, don’t have the courage to ask for pleasure as well as more time to experience said pleasure, then I can’t blame anyone else but myself for that. In reality, us as women should take full responsibility for our lives and happiness, and start believing that we deserve the best.’’
,,Sexuality is not a separate element, but the enjoyment of life as a whole. And if I'm not enjoying one part of my life, then I'm not really enjoying any of it.’’
Laura is wearing erotic ouvert cut Coco Heart's Bodysuit. Coco Heart is on sale from 27.09.
What you believe will come true. According to Laura, a common belief of couples in longterm relationships is that it is normal for their sex drive to drop overtime. ,,Grandparents have always slept in separate bedrooms. Some do this already when kids are born and then stay that way. Those who have more money even build their wife a separate house at the opposite side of town, and that's how they live. But life is a matter of choices and this kind of future certainly isn’t inevitable. Sexuality doesn’t have to disappear, but it does change over time and we cannot dwell on how it was years ago. Today’s reality is something else but it doesn’t have to be worse. In most loving relationships, sex gets better with years!
Interesting thing to pay attention to is how they behave at the start of the relationship, during the dating phase. In the beginning, everything is beautiful, you are a good match and it seems like you could have sex all the time. Until one moment, when it all starts to fade and often from the woman’s side. Why? Because people don’t communicate with one another. In the beginning, you could stay up all night and talk. Getting to know each other is so exciting and the connection is so great. And then, we decide to have sex because a woman’s sexuality doesn’t start from between the hips, but the heart. But what is the easiest way to our heart? Through our ears and emotional connection of course. But once we start to feel like our partner doesn’t show any interest towards us and we are not important anymore, a woman’s heart channel closes, body shuts down and that's it. Immediately. The heart area is very important in the body, even though it is not often talked about in the context of sexuality. In reality, for a woman’s sexual center to open, it is first necessary to activate the heart. All masturbation practices and foreplay with a man should begin with a breast massage, because then the energy from the woman's heart begins to move both to the Yoni and the man's heart. A lot of women say that their breasts are numb but the more you massage them, the quicker the sensitivity returns.’’
Laura is wearing fascinating Coco Heart's robe.
Coco Heart collection is on sale from 27.09 on E-store and BonBon Lingerie's representative store.
But how to talk about sex and awareness with your partner when such topics have been brushed away before? ,,I don’t know any man who would tell the woman they love that they don’t care if this topic is brought up. If say that, it isn’t love. But every conversation has its time and place, and as women, we have to be clever. If you talk about the topic of sexuality from a demanding and dissatisfied point, that you NEED him to go to this course, then men won’t because it feels like an attack. Some women who have been to my yoni massage and experienced a long full body or cervical orgasm for the first time in their life, have gone home and happily told their man: ,,Honey, I had my first ever orgasm today!’’ In response to that, of course, men immediately close up, because their only thought is that - wait, wait, what have we been doing for the last five years then?! You need to know how to serve your thoughts. For example, if a woman goes to a course, then the way to approach the topic is to explain that you do these things to get to know your body better and during this course, you discovered some things you want to try. Not that sex with your partner is so pointless or that you’ve never experienced pleasure in your life. Men have the exact same wounds and traumas of not being good enough, important or worthy of love. If the connection on an emotional level is good in the relationship, if we are honest and can communicate openly, then there won’t be any room for a situation like ‘I went to a course and discovered that I haven’t been satisfied for five years’. Because that arises the question of where have you been for those five years? Why haven’t you told me anything?’’
,,A woman’s sexuality does not start from between the hips, but the heart.’’
,,So, in conclusion, if you want to experience amazing pleasures, the first step is to learn how to see intimacy not as an annoying obligation, but as an OPPORTUNITY to do and enjoy something pleasant. Secondly, put it into practice! Discover your body and start working on your sexuality. My tip for this is to forget that vibrator and make masturbation a longer ritual. Before the breast massage, start with sitting or laying down and relaxing through breathing. Breathe through your stomach, letting it expand softly. Then, visualise the same breathing but with your vagina. Like you’re a pipe that breathes in and out, while keeping all your focus and attention on your vagina. Through this attention you build a connection, sensing your vagina and relaxing. Breathing silences the mind and all energy starts moving to your vagina. It is also good if you tighten the vaginal muscles during this, as it stimulates blood circulation. Then, continue with the breast massage, focusing on your breasts and feeling every touch. Next, move on to the labia and clitoris until you finally enter yourself. At the same time breathe, be present and feel every inch of your body’s movement. Then, good things start happening!
The body needs you to be present during foreplay and sex, not creating your next shopping list in your head. And one more thing - let your voice be free too! We have limiting beliefs that it is weird to scream or make noise. But if you allow yourself to vocalise freely during sex, in addition to orgasms, it is also possible to experience so-called sound-gasms. Or even anger-, laugh-, and cry-gasms. Meaning, you have an orgasm which leads to you laughing or crying from the heart. Or that the orgasm releases old and suppressed anger. Once you dare to make sound, it vibrates in your body and creates an even more powerful energy. So women - make some noise, come into your body, and get to know yourself! That is my message.’’
A big thank you to Laura for this powerful exchange of thoughts! You can find more information about Laura, yoni massage and therapy options on Laura's Instagram.